Attention fathers!

Just in case you think your kids aren't listening to you...

Child A runs into the bathroom, and says to Child B:

"Can you please hurry up, I really need to lay down a deuce."

Gross Moments In Parenting...number 602

Picking up a pair of undies that are lying in a neutral zone (i.e. a laundry basket full of clean clothes, or on the floor midway between the dresser and the hamper) and giving them a sniff test, and being really, really disappointed with the result.

This has been another Gross Moment In Parenting.

My god, the snoring....

Snoring is kind of a big thing in our house these days.

DH does. I do it. E does it.

So it's always a race to try to be the first one asleep, because then you've got the best shot at not being the one who lies awake all night plotting ways to smother the snorer.

So.

It's 3 in the morning and E is in our bed.

And then K wakes up and tries to climb in, and I have to say 'no, your sister is already there, I'll come into your room.'

So I'm lying on a single bed with K, who insists on me sleeping in her bed, but who won't actually move over to make room for me.

At which point the snoring starts in the next room.

So I go stalking back into our room, ready to shove gently roll DH over to make the snoring stop...but, as abruptly as it started, it stops again.

I stand there for a full minute or two, barely breathing, waiting for his next inevitable snore...

But there isn't one, so I go back and climb into E's empty bed for a fairly uncomfortable night's sleep.

The next day, in the middle of a random conversation, DH suddenly asks me, a little nervously:

"Were you.....LOOMING over me in the middle of the night?"


Do you know what this means?

Even when he is sleeping, I can strike fear into his heart!

EX-cellent....

Sooooooo...(y).

Dear Soy Milk,

It's day two of our new relationship, and I just don't think things are going to work out.

Sure, you don't give me gastro-intestinal distress, and you don't cause me to break out....but frankly those outcomes are almost preferable to the sensation of drinking something so....viscous.

Also (and I know this is totally superficial) but your colour is totally off-putting.

In short, it's not me--it's you.

Sincerely,

Mrs. C

Well that's comforting

I had a dream last night that I was pregnant.

On the way to the hospital, I was frantically trying to finish a big glass of wine before we pulled up to the front door.

Apparently even when I'm sleeping I make terrible parenting decisions.

Christmas Family Photo Fiasco 2011

While preparing to leave for the photo session, one of the girls had such a meltdown about her shoes being too loose that I actually threatened to have the picture taken with just two children in it. 

"And when people ask why there are only two girls in the picture, I will tell them you were acting like an idiot so you couldn't be in it."

Seriously, where are the book offers for me to publish these pearls of parenting wisdom? This stuff is gold.

Also, I really need to investigate where she gets this tendency to over-react to things...

I've become THAT person

You know, the one who puts on running shoes with her work clothes to run errands at lunch.

Could I look more dorkalogical?

I submit that I could not.

Pffft.

Seriously lacking any hilarity to report.

Unless you count the way my hair looks today.

But I'd classify that as more tragi-comic.

That was entertaining

I love bedtime.

Not for the reason you might think, but because that's when my kids seem to be at their most hilarious.

Like the other night, when they spent 20 minutes taking turns running through the bedroom in slow motion saying "Nooooooooooooo!" like something out of a movie.

Or that time, oh so long ago, when they were deciding what to name their stores they will open when they grow up.

K's store?

Butt Cheek Surprise.

How classy am I?

I'm so classy that yesterday morning when I was working out (another gold star, please) I reached for the nearest empty glass to fill with water, and ended up drinking from a wine glass.

The best part was that K was looking at me askance until I assured her, "It's just water!"

Cooking with Mrs. C

Lesson one:

Keep your yap shut.

I actually learned this one from my mom at Thanksgiving. Unfortunately I read the email AFTER the meal...

She said 'no matter how dry the turkey is, don't say anything about it, because if you go on and on apologizing about it, then you become a martyr, and everyone feels that they have to spend the whole meal telling you that the turkey isn't dry (when it is).'

So yesterday, I modified this instruction slightly...

For whatever reason, I still feel compelled to try to make a good ol' fashioned Sunday dinner. Last night's entry was beef stroganoff. I was nearing the finish line, and the sauce was looking a little thin, so I thought 'I'll just add a bit of flour.' Which in itself is a good instinct.  However, when I sprinkled the heaping tablespoon in there, I thought the texture of it seemed weird.

That's because it wasn't flour, it was icing sugar.

Part of me wanted to throw the whole thing out and order a pizza...

But I didn't.

I added some flour, some salt, some pepper, kept my yap shut and served the dinner.

I swear I could taste a hint of sweetness to it, but no one else noticed, and two of them had seconds. Maybe I should screw up the recipe more often?

Nice try...

Emma reminded me to check the grocery list before I leave.

And what's written on there in someone else's handwriting?

"A dog."

GAH!

There was a spider hanging from the ceiling for the duration of my shower yesterday morning.
That's a stressful way to start the day.

UPDATE:  It was there again this morning!!  What the hell, spider? What did I ever do to you?



(ed. note: Obviously not as stressful as the things that soldiers face. Lest we forget.)

Make it stop

At 5 this morning, I decided that DH's snoring sounds exactly like Victor Kiriakis from Days Of Our Lives.  Like, if Victor were sleeping there, that's what his snoring would sound like.

I think I need some more sleep.

And how was your morning?

Me: K, don't you ever get tired of being grumpy?

K: NO! I love being grumpy! I HATE HAPPINESS!

Me: Oh. Well, I won't buy you any Christmas presents this year, then. I wouldn't want to make you happy against your will....since you hate it so much.

K: <stewing in silence>

Miscellany

E: Mommy, I wouldn't trade you for anything. Not even if someone could <poof> give me a Nintendo DSI RIGHT NOW.

****************

My mother misread the last part of my post the other day and thought I said an unfortunate Dorothy Hamill look landed on my LIP. So I laughed for ten minutes picturing a Dorothy Hamill-style mustache.

****************

My friend L just sent an email about how we used to love buying boots because they were cool and looked awesome and sexy ... but now she just had a conversation with a friend about how the friend's new boots were awesome because they fit her orthotics.


See, I'm not funny. I'm just surrounded by funny people.

What is up with that mirror?

Looked into the same mirror yesterday (the one that revealed the Eugene Levy eyebrows to me recently) and realized that I was totally rockin' a Dorothy Hamill.

And I'm not even going to translate that or post a picture for anyone born in the '80's who doesn't know who Dorothy Hamill is.  Look her up, kids. And make sure you're looking at SEVENTIES Dorothy, because that's the unfortunate look that landed on my lid yesterday.

Where are we drawing the line?

Exactly how far are we going to go with this excessively-turtled turtleneck trend?

I only ask because I almost managed to put my sweater on completely upside down this morning.

Things I should really know how to do by now

1)  Make a pot of tea.
2)  Apply eye make-up.
3)  Sew a button.

Well, that's some perspective

I went for a massage last night.

My RMT is an Ironman triathlete.

Which is awesome when I have to go to him for my sore muscles from typing.  Or the time -- my hand to God -- I had to go to him because I hurt myself by knitting.

He asked me if I was still running, and I blathered on for a bit about how hard I am finding it to fit a work out into my schedule now that I'm not at Teranet anymore. (There was a gym in the building, so I used to go there during my lunch hour.) I mentioned that I keep getting up early, planning to work out, but it just doesn't happen.

Then he mentioned that he, too, was finding it hard to fit in an early morning work out. Because now that his training is ramping up (he hasn't done an Ironman in 8 years) he's at the point where he has to start fitting two work outs into his day.

Considering that his one work out yesterday involved running 10 miles....and now he's fixin' to do that twice a day....

I managed to get up and dance along with a Wii game for 30 minutes this morning.

Do I get a gold star?

I guess she wanted to keep going

Last night around 11 pm, I heard someone moving in the girls' room. Parents, you will understand that trick--waking up at the slightest sound, because somewhere in your subconcscious you know that you're going to have to jump out of bed soon...

Then I heard a thumping sound -- bumpbumpbumpbumpbump.

And a voice saying, "I can do this."

I walked in the door to find S, completely asleep, standing beside K's bed saying "Trick or treat!" over and over again.

K wasn't answering, so I'm glad S didn't have any sleepwalking access to eggs or TP.  K could've woken up to quite a mess this morning...