Keen powers of observation

I wore a pair of pants yesterday that I bought....at least five years ago.

I've worn them dozens and dozens of times.

Yesterday, I felt a tag poking me. When I checked it out, I saw a 2 x 2 tag that says REMOVE BEFORE WASHING OR WEARING.

Question 1:  How the heck did I not see or feel that tag ONCE in the last five years?

Question 2:  What the heck was supposed to happen to me (or the pants) if I didn't REMOVE BEFORE WASHING OR WEARING? Apparently I've been living on borrowed time...

You do the math...

Plus 10 punk points for going to the show last night and staying 'til the end.
Plus 10 punk points for wearing my boots.
Minus 5 for worrying that the boots might aggravate my sore hip.
Minus 10 points for drinking Bud Light all night instead of 50.
Minus 5 points for yawning through most of the last set.
Plus 5 for partaking in the 3 am gyros (even though I just had fries).
Minus 10 for eating them at home, in bed, watching a rerun of the Olympics opening ceremonies.

So rad!

Trying to do my hair and head out the door this morning.

My bangs are sticking up exactly the way I wanted them to in 1989!

17-year-old me is very excited about this.

Unfortunately, it looks ridiculous on 40-year-old me.

You know, when they have these heat alerts and set up emergency cooling stations all over the place, they should really set up emergency hat stations for people with hair that just can't handle the humidity.

I got cocky

Remember when I was all self-congratulatory about my parenting skills?

Last night everyone (DH included) played a rousing game of 'type things into the iPad and then laugh hysterically at how it sounds when the iPad repeats it.'

S was very excited for her turn.

The same child who noted what a good singer David Bowie is then typed into the iPad:

"I like big butts and I cannot lie."

I choose to believe that I'm right

Driving along in the Loser Cruiser and Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes came on the radio.

I explained that this was David Bowie, "the guy from Labyrinth."

S declared: David Bowie is a good singer!

I felt pride and a sense of relief, knowing that I was raising my children properly. 

Is it wrong that this is how I judge my parenting skills?

Well, that's that

As I flip-flopped across the LCBO parking lot with a bottle of white wine under my arm, I approached my car, spotted the copy of Eat, Pray, Love that had just been given to me, and realized....I have become a cliche.

Bathroom humour. No, really.

The other day I had to give a co-worker the 'don't go in there' as she approached the bathroom.

Which is embarrassing, but at least there was a direct admission of guilt, which could at least inspire some sense of respect, right?

I mean, would it be better to not say anything, and then have her walk out thinking 'WHAT did she EAT?' And then just have that go unspoken between us forever?

Which approach would you choose?
And is it different for guys? Is it more like something to brag about?

And on a slightly unrelated note:

Even though you know you locked it, is there anything that makes you jump as high as someone jiggling the door knob while you're in there?

Maybe I should've gone to Wal Mart

As I drove to Zellers today, I was treated to the sight of a large, shirtless man sitting on his stoop, clipping his toenails.

Aside from being alarming and disturbing...it made me feel a lot better about my back fat.

But then I thought, "Surely to God I can set the bar a bit higher than big topless pedi dude."

How can this go wrong?

I think the best time to decide to go see the Go-Go's at Casino Rama is when both parties involved (in separate cities) admit to having consumed several glasses of wine.

So, I don't want to brag, but I'm going to see the Go-Go's. (Note: I'm totally bragging.)

Good to know

So, it turns out that the one, true and ultimate thing that makes me go stark raving, foaming at the mouth, bat-shit crazy is: giving medication to a child who is so determined to not take the medicine that she throws it back up on me.
Just in case anyone was trying to figure out some Saw-like torture situation for me...

Fly Ninja

DH is a fly ninja.

The other night, he dropped two who were in mid-flight, and then he got one that had landed ON the fly swatter.

So then I called him to action the next day because a fly was attacking me when I was getting out of the shower (what is it with bugs and me and the shower?)...and he got it by snapping it WITH A TOWEL.

I think hearts were coming out of my eyes.

Gonna fly now

This should give you an idea of how low I've set the bar for myself/how filthy my bathtub was...

I finished cleaning the tub, and now I've got the Rocky theme song in my head.

Lovely

I went for a walk at lunch in the sweltering heat.

Came back, did some work, got up to get something, came back to my desk, looked down, and realized I had left a big, sweaty, wet spot on my chair.

I felt like Poppy from Seinfeld.

I can't make this stuff up

As the girls were literally climbing all over DH yesterday (while he was trying to lie on the lawn chair and relax), one of the girls pulled up the blanket they had put over him and yelled:

"Okay guys, look out, I'm going in by his butt cheeks! Hey Pop! I named your butt cheeks! They're named Tooty and Bob!"

But it's still good

The self-righteousness I feel when I hang the clothes out to dry is always tempered by the fact that my neighbours can see all of our raggedy undies.