She's too smart for our own good

DH at dinner last night, describing someone's behaviour:

DH: She's being a b-a-d-a-s-s.

K's eyes got wide.

Me (trying to cover):  BuhDASS? What does that word mean?

K: I think there's a space in there, mommy.

So, gone are the lazy, hazy days of being able to spell out things in front of the kids. Nice that we tested it with a swear word, eh?

I bought it so you don't have to

Ladies, curiousity and the fact that I'm highly suggestible finally got the better of me, and I bought an Ahhh Bra.

I can't decide if it should be renamed the "Ahhhhh....no. Bra", or the "AHHHHH! Bra" because your boobs look so horrible when you put it on.

Awesome thing about DH, #673

He waits a safe and appropriate amount of time before laughing at me.

Like yesterday, for instance.

After I had spent the better part of the morning remaining calm and reasoning with a child who refused to calm down or listen to reason...said child then started having a meltdown because 'her hair was going up.'

At this point I let a bellow out of me that could probably be heard down the street, and slammed my hand down on the kitchen counter for emphasis.

And then I thought I broke my thumb.

But DH, bless his heart, asked me if I could bend my thumb (I could) and then didn't comment on it again...until 8 or 9 hours later, when he thoroughly and rightfully mocked me for my behaviour.

"Could you imagine if you actually broke your thumb? Having to EXPLAIN how you broke it? That would've been hiLARious!"

Indeed.

LOOK WHAT WE FOUND!

Once upon a time, there was a busy theatre in a busy mall downtown, called the Cineplex Odeon Galleria Cinema. And at that theatre, they put something called "butter" on their popcorn, as opposed to the "golden topping" they put on the popcorn at Famous Players (ptooey).

And the people who worked at that busy theatre had to 'upsell' to get people to put extra butter on their popcorn. 

"Would you like extra butter on that? It's butter in the middle and on top, for only an extra 25 cents!"

(We won't discuss the time that we were selling Goobers and Raisinettes and we had to offer those every time. "Would you like some Goobers with that, sir?" People thought I was offering to hork in their popcorn...)

And if you were successful in convincing someone to buy extra butter, you put that 25 cents (for small, 50 for medium, 75 for large) under your till, to keep track of how much extra butter you were selling.

And there was a young lady who worked there for many summers. And she enjoyed the job, and eating her body weight in popcorn, and seeing free movies...but she had a dream.

And that dream was to sell the most extra butter and to one day be the Butter Queen.

(A title she came up with, which strangely did not catch on with the regular winners of the title.)

And one day that dream came true.

And to commemorate it, her wacky mother bought her a present:

And 20 years later, the young lady's husband found the shirt in a box full of awesome, and there was much rejoicing.

The end  .....?


Yeah, no, that is actually the end.

Man, the '80's were cruel

Was going through my high school yearbooks last night...

I'd just like to issue a public apology/thank you to anyone who chose to be seen in public with me during those years. My hair and fashion choices, '80's notwithstanding, were questionable at best.

In fact, one could argue that I continue to fight the good fight to this day.

There should be a telethon for people like me.

Lent

Here's a partial list of the girls' suggestions for what I could give up for Lent:

Swearing
Nagging
Being on the computer all the time..."so you can spend more time with your family."

So first, I wanted to pass that on to advise you that you are all part of the problem. What would Lent be without sharing some of that Catholic guilt around?

And second, I'm starting to suspect that I'm not really a ray of sunshine to live with...

Even more awesomer

I thought that starting my day by dancing to Rah Rah Rasputin was the pinnacle.

And then there was the Love Boat awesomeness of Boogie Wonderland.

But this morning I started the day by doing Just Dance: ABBA.

I'll pause here to let the enormity of that sentence sink in.


Just. Dance. ABBA.


Not only does one of the dancers wear a white dress that looks exactly like one of the dresses from the cover of Super Trouper....but one of the dances actually involves getting down on your knees and doing a swoopy on-the-floor thing that is a bona fide Darcelle-the-lead-Solid Gold-dancer move!

I just....there are no words....

She may need professional help

Remember in Trainspotting when Ewan MacGregor was trying to quit heroin?

That's pretty much what it was like for K today when we announced that this was going to be a 'screen-free' Family Day. I mean, I don't know if she was having horrifying hallucinations or not, but I'm pretty sure she had the shakes....

(Note, I'm typing this in secret. Not that *I* have a problem....)

I'm officially an embarrassing mom

I let K pick out the songs I danced to this morning on Just Dance 3.

She picked one, then said:

"But I'm just going to watch the screen okay? Not you."

"Not me? Why?"

"Because....it's kind of gross."

What a pair we'll be when we're 80.

Me: Where is the vase?

DH: It's on top of the furnace. (Pause.) It's on top of the oven. (Frustrated pause.) It's on top of that thing that would be hot if there was a fire in it.

Me: The fireplace?

She can really hold a grudge

We were eating chicken the other night, and someone offered K some honey. She very calmly but forcefully replied:

"I will not eat anything made by my mortal enemy."

Memory Lane

D brought over two boxes of albums that have been sitting in my Dad's house for YEARS. Like, DH found a penny in the bottom of one of the boxes, and it was from 1988...

Aside from an alarming number of Liona Boyd albums, there are definitely some gems in there.

Not the least of which is ABBA's Arrival. How many hours did I spend looking at that cover while listening to the record? Wondering where they were coming from, and whether Benny/Bjorn could really fly a helicopter...

But the best has to be the Boz Scaggs album. If you can listen to Lido Shuffle without "Whoa oa oa oooo"ing along, you're dead inside.

In fact, here, try it now:

Your daily bring-down

DH and I kept singing 'See My Vest' yesterday, so he dug out Songs In The Key Of Springfield and we played it for the girls.

I was really enjoying listening to it until I looked at the back cover and saw that it was released in 1997. And then I realized that 1997 was FIFTEEN years ago...

And then when I was putting the girls to bed last night, we were talking about that classic piece of cinema, Rock 'n' Roll High School.

After discussing how the various members of the Ramones died (a depressing conversation in itself), the girls then asked when that movie was made.

1979.

THIRTY-THREE YEARS AGO.

And do you know what that made me want to say?

Except instead of "Major crimes?" I would say "Thirty-three years?"

Y'know, because "Major crimes?" would make no sense.

D'oh

Here's a note you don't want to get from an IT person shortly after you return from driving across town to deliver a piece of equipment to him that you believe is broken:



"Hi, the issue with the device is that it was not turned on. You need to press the power button."

Parenting is glamourous

E runs through the basement:

"So I says to Mabel, I says---WHOA."

She stops in her tracks as she comes running into the bathroom as I am pulling up my pants.

Pause.

"Uh, Mommy. Your underwear looks like it's skin coloured. And that is really disturbing for people who come into the bathroom when your pants are down."

Sorry. I'll try to be more considerate next time.

Oh no!

We're at 20 001 viewings, and I didn't even post anything today!

I don't deserve you guys....

In other news, tonight's the first rehearsal for that show where my character is described as "looking good."

So now I guess we'll see if the early morning Zumbathons have paid off!

But I shouldn't get my hopes up, I guess, because one of the moms at the birthday party was talking about workout routines the other day, and when I was telling her about Zumba, she kept saying, "And it works?... You're sure it works?... So, does it work?"

In retrospect, she was a little too incredulous, if you know what I mean...

For those who were wondering...

Yes, we did manage to get them a present. DH picked up Mario Kart (with enough 'steering wheels' for everyone) on the way home from work on Friday.

I don't think there's ever been a faster transtition from relief to regret, though, as they were all fighting about what character they were going to be within five seconds of opening it.

Except maybe for the year that Santa brought them a toy keyboard and a toy guitar...to go with the kids' size drum set...

That's some good parenting right there.

Tomorrow I will have to change the banner on this blog, because tomorrow I will be the mother of 7-year-old triplets.

This is a text message I sent DH today at around 11:30 am.

"Oh crap, we forgot to get presents for the girls!"

<Slow, sarcastic clapping>

Bra-vo.

Dinner and a Movie

Remember that show? The "cooking show" that was an interstitial during movies shown on TBS?

I've been thinking about it a lot lately, because apparently it is "Yippee kiy yay" day at school on Friday.

Which means that Pop has been saying "Yippee kiy yay Mr. Falco!" all week.

Note: while trying to find a clip of Die Hard as shown on Dinner and a Movie, I realized that everyone refers to TBS' terrible dubbing of the line as 'Yippe kiy yay Mr. Falcon.' But I stand by Mr. Falco at least on the version that we watched back then--gotta be in '98 or '99--because we have been saying Yipee kiy yay Mr. Falco ever since. Or even if we're wrong--Mr. Falco is funnier.

I fondly remember Paul Gilmartin sounding so mystified afterwards:

"What? But...Who is Mr. Falco?"

Sadly I can't find an archive that lists the recipe they made that night. But any show that made 'Obi-Wan Cannoli' during Star Wars and 'Can't Go To School, I Falafel' for Ferris Bueller is okay in my books....