Seinfeld was right

Have you ever just completely forgotten how to do something that you've done a thousand times?

I went to see my Massage Therapist the other night.

I disrobed, turned towards the table, and suddenly couldn't figure out how to mount it.

So for some reason I kind of got up on my knees, but then I realized I needed to get my feet up and under me, so then I brought them up, and then I was kind of perched on the table, like a novice surfer.

And I suddenly thought of the Seinfeld episode where they discuss the difference between good naked and bad naked.

This was definitely bad naked.

Forgive me, Enjo, for I have sinned

...It has been 6 or 7 years since my last use of commercial cleaning products.

But when I hunkered down the other day to scrub the bathtub, I scrubbed and scrubbed and scrubbed.

And then I took a break.

And then I scrubbed and scrubbed and scrubbed some more.

And then I realized I had only cleaned a spot the size of a grapefruit.

And I thought, but did not say, because I followed E's advice and gave up swearing for Lent, "Eff this."

And I grabbed a very old bottle of Tilex that I'm sure DH bought one time in a huff.

And I cleaned that bathtub in two minutes.

Yes, I feel guilty.

Yes, I realize that if I cleaned the bathtub more than one during each American presidency, it probably wouldn't be such a daunting task.

Yes, I vow to keep on top of it and keep Enjoing away all the soap scum.

My penance will be to sing two verses of This Land Is Your Land and watch an episode of The Nature of Things.

Ha ha ha...no seriously, I'm old

On Saturday when I was at Jazzercise...

(I'll pause here to let the laughter die down.)

...halfway through a kick ball change routine (I wish I were kidding, but I'm not), my knee started hurting.

And then when I got home, after sitting in the car to listen to the end of a story on the CBC (clue #2), I got out of the car, and realized that I have started wearing my purse on my arm like Sophia from Golden Girls.

Can velcro shoes and seated exercises for seniors be far behind?

This will help

This past Sunday, there were moments over the course of the day where I wanted to strangle every person who lives in this house. Spread out over the course of the day, but still...there was a serious case of a-hole-itis going around.

But that night, we put on the Blues Brothers soundtrack and HI DEE HI DEE HI DEE HI'd at the top of our lungs to Minnie The Moocher, and it made everything better.

So here's the link for anyone having a bad day today. Trust me, just press play.

Yeah, I probably should

On the way to a pancake supper last night one of the girls said, "Oh, that means Lent starts tomorrow! What should we give up?"

There was much hmming and hawing about what we could each give up, when E said to me:

"Hey mummy, maybe you should take a crack at the swearing thing again."

I couldn't tell if she was being encouraging or sarcastic.

When did that happen?

I remember being so excited the day I realized I had cleavage.

Just looked down one day and BLAMMO there were boobs and a line between them.

Fast forward to today, when I was getting dressed and realized I have side boob cleavage.

Still an accomplishment (the brownies and wine diet is really paying off) but not nearly as exciting.

We all know the next step in this evolution, though.....the dreaded back butt.

All this talk of cleavage put me in mind of Miss Dolly Parton, so I'll leave you with this AM '70's Gold tune for the day - which could also be my theme song for brownies and wine:

Do me a favour?

I don't ask you for much - except the occasional rosary when I'm driving on the 401  - but I want you to promise me this:

In my golden years, when I am blessed with the good fortune (literally and figuratively) to retire, and I have all 7 days in a week to get things done...

If you ever see me strolling through a grocery store at a leisurely pace on a Saturday or a Sunday, will you please grab me by the shoulders and yell:

"Don't you remember trying to get your groceries on the weekend, and being stopped in every aisle by lookie-loos and people strolling along, and COUPLES who were casually trying to decide which block of cheese to buy? Don't you remember silently screaming at them that you only have the weekends to get sh-t done, and they have 5 other perfectly good days of the week to get their groceries? GO HOME, WOMAN!"

I would really appreciate it. Thanks, guys.

What the?

Last night, I got in my mini-van and went shopping at Wal-Mart.

I then sat in the mini-van as I went through the drive-through at McDonald's.

And I realized that I have become what I hate.

I guess there's nothing left but for me to start voting Conservative.