Ok, people, let's not panic

So, I got a job!

First of all, this is good news for my hair.

Second of all, there seems to be widespread panic in the streets (read: two people mentioned it) that my blogging duties may suffer because of it.

True, the girls will have a much smaller window of opportunity in which to do bizarre things that make me laugh, but I have no doubt that they will rise to the occasion.

Also, I am sure this new job will provide me with an abundance of opportunities for me to embarrass myself. Sister L was already gleefully picturing me desperately trying to work a 25-line switchboard, sitting at a desk like that Lily Tomlin character on Laugh In.

One ringy-dingy....

Just call me Caroline Freakin' Ingalls

I just tipped a perfect-looking zucchini loaf out of the pan (my first attempt ever).

I am now going out to hang the clothes on the line.

Later, I hope to make some home-made lemonade, and then whip up something for dinner.

The only major difference I can think of is that Caroline probably wouldn't use the word freakin'.

If you say so

Sitting quietly in the backyard, E suddenly announced:

"We've got the washing machine and that thing Pop built, so we should be good."

"The washing machine and what thing?"

(Pointing at the clothesline DH put up last week.) "That thing."

"We have a washing machine and a clothesline, so we should be good? Set for life?"

"Yep." (Thumbs up.)

*choke*

Mum is leaving for B.C. today, so we had a lovely 'Ontario' dinner last night: corn on the cob, green beans fresh from the garden (not mine, silly!), padaydas (as my grandmother would say) and one of those pre-cooked chickens just to round out the meal.

So mum, DH and I spontaneously sang the classic commercial jingle:

"Good things gro-o-ow
In On-tario!"

E smiled, held up a half-eaten chicken leg, and added:

"And get killed and eaten!"

Sounds deadly

K: (wailing) Oh no, I've got the Fart Touch!

Me: What's the Fart Touch?

S: It's when someone farts and then they touch you.

Joe Cool

You know that thing where a bee is buzzing around you and you try to brush it away and then it keeps buzzing around you and then you try to walk faster than the bee to get away from it and then the bee suddenly buzzes right up in front of you and then you scream like a little girl and try to back away from the bee equally as fast and then you trip over your own feet and fall on your ass and land on someone's car in the parking lot at Target in Port Huron and you feel like a total loser and walk away grateful at least that the car alarm didn't go off when you bailed onto it?

I just did that.

Don't bug her for the next 22 minutes

Me: E, what would you like to drink?

E: (staring intensely at a spot in the mid-distance)

Me: E! What would you like to drink?

E: (still staring) ..... Oh! Sorry, Mommy, I was just watching an episode of The Simpsons in my head.

Me: Really. Which one?

E: A Streecar Named Marge. Next up is Lisa's Substitute!

Now, in my defense, I'm finding that The Simpsons has actually been a pretty useful parenting tool. So far I've used it to explain that you should never drink a lot of alcohol because you will act stupid and embarrass yourself, and possibly pass out on the floor (as seen in the episode where they go for marriage counselling but Homer goes fishing instead).

I also may be raising little Norma Raes, because for the last few days we've all had the strike song in our heads:

So we'll march day and night by the big cooling towerrrr
They have the plant, but we have the powerrrr

And then we all sing Classical Gas!

Note: My apologies to anyone reading this who doesn't watch The Simpsons. I'll make it up to you next time.

My husband is AWESOME

This actually happened.

Someone drove past our house and threw a Tim Horton's coffee cup out onto the road.

DH saw the car go up the street and pull in at the daycare on the corner.

Without missing a beat, he picked up the cup, walked up to the daycare parking lot, and approached the car.

"Excuse me?"

He handed her the cup.

"You dropped this."

Can you believe that? I'm totally in love.

Reality check

I just laughed when I saw a really old dude riding his skateboard down the street.

And then I realized that he is actually probably my age.

Stoopid passage of time.

True, I think people have gone on leave for that

Overheard while the girls were playing in the next room (keeping in mind, all voices were 'in character' for whatever they were playing)...

K: I can't believe you're being so selfish.

S: I'm sorry that I sound selfish. It's a medical condition. It's just the way my voice goes.

She'll be the death of us...

...but not in the way I'd expected.

In traffic just now, next to a dude who had his crappy tunes blaring, S yelled:

"SERIOUSLY man, turn the music down!"

I love that 6-year-olds have no filter. If you're doing something wangtastic, they'll let you know.

What the heck?

Overheard this morning:

S: K, have you farted in your new pyjamas yet?

K: (pause) No.

S: Okay, well, after we've all farted in our new pyjamas, then we can trade them.

I just...

I don't even know what to say to that.

Gross

There are many disgusting aspects of parenting.

The brown thumb when you pull out a diaper to check if it's full...

The drool, the snot...

And the vomit! Let's not forget the vomit!

But I'd have to say my *favourite* is when I'm flossing the girls' teeth and their tooth boogers fling out on my face.  Or, if I'm really lucky -- like I was this morning -- in my eye.

GAH!

Away for three days, and nothing hilarious happened! We had a lovely time at our friend L's cottage near Collingwood...but the children were all relatively normal. Well, one girl decided that she wanted to go home at 10 o'clock on the first night, and then managed to fall out of bed -- from the TOP BUNK -- on the second night, but other than that...

The only thing that comes to mind right now is a conversation the girls were having earlier today, discussing a routine they had seen on Just Dance 2 during a playdate on Monday...

"Remember when that guy was freestyling at the end?"

"What guy?"

"You know, the one doing the crazy dancing at the end of Rah Rah Recipe..."

Dammit...

The rear right tire on the van had been looking pretty low, so I stopped by the gas station on Friday and pulled up to the air pump.

I put in the loonie, attached the hose, couldn't believe it was only registering 10 psi (it should be 36), and patiently waited for the tire to inflate.

But it didn't.

I thought this was odd--frustrating even--but I went on with the day and mentioned it to DH that night. On Saturday we had to run some errands, so our first stop was the gas station again.

DH paid another loonie, and we crouched down beside the tire.

DH: Okay, so you put the hose on...

ME: Yes! I did that!

DH: Make sure it's all the way on...

ME: Yes! Look, it's all the way on!

DH: Ok. And now you squeeze this handle...

(pause)

It did occur to me that I could continue on my previous tack, working with the 'something is fundamentally wrong with the tire, or the hose, or something, but clearly not with me.' But I opted for the truth instead.

ME: I didn't know I was supposed to do that.

DH proceeded to inflate the tire to its factory-specified level, and all was right with the world.

To DH's credit, he did not laugh. He did not mock me. He did not make me feel stupid.

But as we both climbed back into the van, he silently pointed to the machine--to the instructions posted there. The ILLUSTRATED instructions. So, even if I didn't speak English, I should've been able to do this one...

FUN FACT! The whole time I was sticking the damn hose on there the first time, I was probably letting more air out of the tire.

You win again, Shell at the corner of Commissioners and Wellington! But I'll be back...

Today, I am a grown-up

Today, I told my mother I have a tattoo.

Aim low, kids

My good friend A was in town last weekend, and she invited us over to her parents' place for a swim.

E and I were in the washroom at one point, and E was marvelling at the toilet paper holder/towel rack stand. She was amazed at how easily you could slide the toilet paper roll on and off--with a choice of which way you want the toilet paper to come off the roll!

"A's parents must have a LOT of money!"

Again, lowered expectations are the key.

I think that's on Fox

So very tired from the attempted sleepover last night. This body is well past its best-before date for sleeping in a sleeping bag on the floor.

But I will report that part of the evening's entertainment included me watching a performance of a show called "Revenge of the Sports Bra." (My sports bra had a supporting role. HA! See what I did there?)

During another bit of role playing the other day, K was portraying the daughter who did not want to be dragged away from the TV. She explained that she couldn't go because her favourite show was on -- "Fiddlesticks, My Butt Is Broken."

Personally, I'd watch it. Can't be worse than 'Are You Being Served?'.

Those are odd criteria

E: Is that show a comedy?

Me: No, it's a drama.

E: So....is it like 'tie people to the railroad tracks' or 'yell NO DON'T DO IT at the screen' kinda stuff?


What is this, 1921?


Also, she asked to watch more episodes of The Simpsons last night.

Me: Why?

E: Because I just can't stand a day without laughter.

On romance

As I kissed DH good-bye this morning, E said:

"Mommy, I know you guys are married, so you're allowed to do that, but it's still disgusting on so many levels."

Shared memories

You know how when your children do something embarrassing, the memory is burned on your brain forever, but you choose to believe that no one else noticed/remembers?

We were at a great birthday party on Saturday. The girls were all having fun, swimming, frolicking, what have you...

When suddenly, for some reason E decided that the water in the pool was too cold, so she declared to the parents of the birthday girl: "I'm never going in that pool again!"

Which twigged a memory in the Dad's head.

"Wasn't it last year that E said..."

[Now do the Wayne's World hand gesture/sound effect to indicate travelling back in time...]

Picture it: Same backyard, one year earlier.

Lunch was ready, so the kids were getting cleared off of the trampoline. E was next in line to go on it, so she chose to flip out about having to leave, declaring:

"THIS IS THE SECOND-WORST BIRTHDAY PARTY EVER!"

What was the first?

[Wayne's World flashback again, please.]

Picture it: The same summer, a few weeks earlier.

I chose the 'stop, drop and roll' method at another birthday party, and that turned out to be a bad idea. E was a terrible guest, refusing what was for lunch (and then when the parents offered to make something else she TOOK THEM UP ON IT!) and burst into tears during the games and was generally a weirdo.  Of course, when I picked the girls up and asked how the party was, she said, "It was great!" So I had no idea how it really went until the details started trickling out over the course of the evening...

Flash forward to the 'second-worst party' (there's no hand gesture for that--I'm sure there's a sound effect from Lost, but I don't have the energy to look it up right now) -- the parents from the first party are there too!

So she managed to mortify me in front of two sets of parents at once.  Both of whom I will see socially for at least the next 8 years as the girls go through school together.

But I was especially thrilled to find out that THEY REMEMBER IT TOO. In fact, other party guests said, "Oh yeah, I remember that!"

Good times....good times.

If you need me, I'll just be hiding under that picnic table over there.


p.s. I realize I mixed my references with the Wayne's World/Golden Girls combo, but whattaya gonna do?