Lost in translation (again)

Van conversation:

"Remember that time we saw Sammy the Cat get run over by a car?"

"Yeah. But he didn't get squished, the car just went over him."

"Yeah. He didn't die, but then he died later."

DH: "From complications?"

"No, from getting run over by the car."



Palm Sunday conversation:

"So everybody was all happy when Jesus came to town, but then they turned around and crucified him."

"Why did they crucify him?"

My friend, giving a poetic answer: "Well, they were blind...."

E: "Oh! So they didn't know it was him!"

I've cracked the code

By now you've probably picked up on the fact that one of the girls is an insanely picky eater.

The frustrating part (well, one of 742 frustrating parts) is that this is a case of the chickens coming home to roost, as I was a nightmare picky eater when I was a child. (Full disclosure: I'm still a pretty big pain in the butt about it.)

But she is also the same child who has dipped her cheddar goldfish crackers in vanilla icing, and her french fries in cream soda.

And at lunch the other day, she ate a peanut butter and Dorito sandwich.

So I think I've been going about this all wrong.

I've been trying to feed her NON disgusting food combinations.

Fundamental ideological differences

The girls were getting ready for school, and they were excited about Carnaval that day.

They were discussing the possibility of a Bonhomme sighting, when S dropped this bombshell:

"Yeah, but it's just a guy in a suit anyway..."

Her sisters were outraged:

"How could you say that?"

"What do you mean 'a guy in a suit?!?'"

[general sputtering in disbelief]

I stepped in and explained--in a very reasoned and eloquent manner--the concept of different people having different beliefs, and how it is important to let people believe what they want to believe, without forcing your beliefs upon them. [Give me a break, it was 7:45 am.]

Everyone settled down, and I mentally patted myself on the back for defusing the fight AND slipping in a teachable moment.

Until E decided to prove that she had indeed absorbed the lesson:

"Yes, you're right. It's just like me believing that Rudolph doesn't actually exist, he's just a character in a song..."

Her sisters, in unison: "WHAT?!?!"

...And there was no more peace in the valley.

Now I'm lopsided

Remember the super-sexy way Jennifer Beals removed her bra in Flashdance?

Probably a lot more sexy than the way I removed the underwire that has been poking me all day. At the dinner table.

I think it had more of a 'rabbit from a hat' effect than anything else.

There was an awed silence.

Then DH picked it up and was going to explain to the girls what a hard-working piece of wire it was (and, I assume, give it a fitting eulogy), but he was cut short by E shouting:

"Don't TOUCH it!!!"

I hope it likes me

As I lay in bed last night, drinking a glass of wine and eating Bridge Mix, I downloaded an app for Clean Eating magazine.

Either I am completely in denial, or I am trying to impress my iPhone.

Seinfeld was right

Have you ever just completely forgotten how to do something that you've done a thousand times?

I went to see my Massage Therapist the other night.

I disrobed, turned towards the table, and suddenly couldn't figure out how to mount it.

So for some reason I kind of got up on my knees, but then I realized I needed to get my feet up and under me, so then I brought them up, and then I was kind of perched on the table, like a novice surfer.

And I suddenly thought of the Seinfeld episode where they discuss the difference between good naked and bad naked.

This was definitely bad naked.

Forgive me, Enjo, for I have sinned

...It has been 6 or 7 years since my last use of commercial cleaning products.

But when I hunkered down the other day to scrub the bathtub, I scrubbed and scrubbed and scrubbed.

And then I took a break.

And then I scrubbed and scrubbed and scrubbed some more.

And then I realized I had only cleaned a spot the size of a grapefruit.

And I thought, but did not say, because I followed E's advice and gave up swearing for Lent, "Eff this."

And I grabbed a very old bottle of Tilex that I'm sure DH bought one time in a huff.

And I cleaned that bathtub in two minutes.

Yes, I feel guilty.

Yes, I realize that if I cleaned the bathtub more than one during each American presidency, it probably wouldn't be such a daunting task.

Yes, I vow to keep on top of it and keep Enjoing away all the soap scum.

My penance will be to sing two verses of This Land Is Your Land and watch an episode of The Nature of Things.