This blog contains adult content

The other day we were all sitting around watching the National Geographic channel.

A commercial came on, depicting a man lying in bed, looking...disappointed.

The voice over said that 10% of men could be affected by erectile dysfunction.

E: Pop! What would happen if that happened to you??

DH: Uh.....

E: Would you just not be able to sleep, or something?

DH: Um. Yeah. Just. Don't you worry about that. That's not going to happen to Pop.

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DH is on vacation this week, so he has been picking the girls up from school.

A boy was running around and being a goofball, and there was much giggling and carrying on.

S explained to DH: That's J. He and K had a relationship. But it's over now.

I just liked this one.

The girls were telling a story about a boy who was in their class in K or JK.

He was sitting on "the log" (apparently there's a log in the schoolyard that you can sit on).

One of the girls walked up and said, "Hi, what are you doing?"

And he said, "I'm playing Cash Cab."

Sadly, the girl just backed away because she thought that was a weird answer.

I was hoping she sat down and he asked her trivia questions.

Can you imagine if she came back in from recess $500 richer?

I don't like to call it lying...

I call it 'peace at any price.'

K was having a complete meltdown one morning.

Like, Three Mile Island meltdown.

The reason?

"I didn't look to see how much the book that I want to buy at the book fair costs and now I don't know how much money to take with me!"

(Trust me, that was delivered all caps, but I just didn't have the heart to put you through reading it like that.)

So after a good twenty minutes of this:

"We'll send you with $10 and that would probably be enough..."
"BUT WHAT IF IT'S NOT???"
"Okay, $20 trust me K, will be more than enough."
"BUT WHAT IF THAT'S TOO MUCH??"
"Then they will give you change."
"CHANGE?!?"

DH disappeared for a moment and came back with the 'book fair' note in his hand.

"K, look what I found."
"Yeah, it's the note."
"No, but on the back of it, look."

K, reading: "K should bring $20 to the book fair tomorrow."

She immediately brightened, and said, "Mrs. G must've looked at the book to see how much it cost!"

Everyone breathed a sigh of relief.

K: "WAIT A MINUTE. That's not her handwriting."

DH and I stopped breathing.

K: "Oh, no, it's just cursive."

I may give DH a lot of grief, but truly that was an inspired moment in parenting.

That was pretty bad, even for me

When will I learn to just give up on the idea of presenting a picture-perfect Sunday dinner to my family?

First, I decided to pull out the bread maker for the occasion. Was pretty excited about making bread, until I managed to dribble honey across the kitchen floor in the process. Nothing says "Norman Rockwell Moment" like Mommy spending the rest of the day shouting expletives every time she walks across the floor and finds another sticky spot.

Then I decided to make scalloped potatoes and ham.

Hours later, as the bread came out, I suddenly realized I had forgotten to put salt in the mixture.

For consistency's sake, I also forgot to put salt in the potatoes.

At this point I was thinking, "At least I can't really screw up the ham..." but it turns out I forgot to put any water in the pan, so that sucker was smoking by the time I pulled it out of the oven.

The kids kept saying, helpfully, "The bread is okay, you just need to put LOTS of butter on it."

I really hope one of them takes a shine to cooking--and soon--because I am seriously ready to retire my apron.

I'm partly to blame

At work the other day, a colleague asked what DH was doing with his day off.

I said, "Well, he's going to Costc..." and then I stopped short when I realized the gravity of what I was saying.

He was going to Costco without a chaperone.

Whenever he joins me on a Costco run, he usually says, 'Hey! We need jam!" and I have to explain that we don't actually need a restaurant-sized jar of jam.

The good news is, he didn't bring home a vat of jam or 6 pounds of nutmeg.

The bad news is, he's terrible at splurge spending.

His "oh what the heck, I'll get this too" items?

A bag of dried mangoes and a gigantic tin of licorice all sorts.

Guess what? None of the girls like licorice all sorts.

And I can only hope that dried mangoes don't have the same effect as dried apricots.